A Story of Faith
by Kara L.C. Jones
Our son, Dakota, had died just seven weeks earlier. My husband and I were still very much involved in the grieving process. We had a grief therapy session that morning with Sonja who is our good friend, the minister who married us, and the hypo-birthing coach who was with us when Dakota was born-still on March 11, 1999.
I had spent much of the session sobbing, partly pure grief and partly hormonal surges of the postpartum nature. My husband and Sonja talked about the continuity of Spirit, and somewhere behind all the tears, I knew my son was okay, had gone to the Light or Heaven or the Other Side or whatever name we choose to label it with. But I was struggling to cope with this grief sliding into depression.
At the very end of our session, with our coats on standing on the stairway to leave, Sonja asked me what it was exactly that I was struggling with and could I name it one thing. I told her that I could not handle this hole that was left after Dakota died. It was like a vacuum, silent, empty, horrid! And it was almost tangible to me. Off to my right, just in front of me, it was like I could sense the hole and almost see it. It often looked like the entrance to a tunnel where you can see the other side with the Light coming through. Sonja asked me to sketch a drawing of it over the weekend and to bring it to her on Monday when I had my one-on-one session with her.
That weekend was very busy, and we ran all day long till we got home after dark and were exhausted. I went to bed that night thinking that I really wanted to draw that picture but was frustrated because I was too exhausted to get up and do it. I fell sound asleep and had the most amazing dream:
My grandmother Chipoletti came to me and said I needed to take a train ride. She walked with me to the train, and I got on. The train began to move and went into this tunnel that looked just like the hole I had been trying to describe to Sonja. The train stopped half way inside the tunnel. I got off the train, and a woman came and sat in the center of the "hole" - it was as if she were sitting right on the track in the middle of the circle of Light you can see at the other end opening of the tunnel.
She introduced herself and said her name is Faith. I immediately had the urge to ask her where Dakota is, and she told me to slide my eyes to the left. I turned and looked left. She said, "No, do not turn left. Just simply slide your eyes left." I did this and could see Dakota on a beach building sandcastles with Papaji, one of my Spirit Guides. If ever there were anyone I could trust completely and totally with the care of my son, it is Papaji. I found great comfort in knowing the two of them were together. Faith told me that any time I start to feel that desperate feeling for Dakota that I could slide my eyes left and see him. (I have tested this theory numerous times in lots of different settings at all times of the day and night - it works for me.)
I then asked Faith if I would ever have children, or would we just have nightmares like so many women we've met who have six pregnancies and only two babies or one baby or no babies at all. She looked at me and emphasized that when a woman has six pregnancies, she has six babies even if she only raises two of them in the physical world. So I asked what would happen to me, and she said, "Four sons and a daughter." I flipped out saying, "Five kids?! I'm going to do this five more times?!" She said that I already have one of my babies, Dakota. So then I asked her how many of my babies we would get to raise here in the physical world. She said she did not know the answer to that question, but that she knew for certain that I have four sons and a daughter.
Faith then asked me if she could "stay here." I asked her where exactly it was that she wanted to stay, and she said, "Here in this hole as you call it." I said that was okay with me as I heard the train starting up again. I got back on the train and the dream ended. Ever since that dream, I can "see" Faith sitting just off to my right, just in front of me, facing me.
The hole is not empty now. When I start to feel the desperation that has been with me since Dakota died, I slide my eyes left and I can clearly see my son. The desperation goes away. When I start to ache and feel empty as if life has no meaning, Faith shifts around just a little and calls my attention to her, reminds me that the hole is not empty. Regardless of how insane this stuff might seem to some, regardless of whether or not the information I got in the dream is correct, I feel better. The cracks in my very body and spirit are being filled with peace again. I do not know whether Faith will ever come to me in this physical world through a pregnancy or birth as a daughter, but it does not matter. She is already here. For this I thank her. And I thank Papaji for taking care of our boy.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kara adds:
"When our baby Dakota died on March 11, 1999, I thought I would go crazy with grief. My husband and I had all this love and energy that we had planned to focus on our child. We didn't know what to do with it. So we made our 'creative baby' called KotaPress.
"Through this company we have created an outreach to other bereaved parents with our Mrs. Duck Project, we have formed an alliance with the Seattle chapter of MISS (Mothers In Sympathy and Support), and we are continually doing projects like Teddy Bear Drives to keep Dakota's memory alive.
"Our online presence can be seen at www.KotaPress.com and you can sign up for our eNewsletter by sending an email to info@kotapress.com with the word 'subscribe' in the body of your message. On our site, we hope you find helpful information, good poetry, and some inspiration to get through the hard times."
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